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Dear 13D,
I read a fascinating article somewhere about how
to become a ham radio hobbyist. Sadly, I forgot
which magazine I was reading at the time, and I
haven't been able to find it ever since. Can
you help me find information about getting started
in ham radio?
Woody Allen
Al,
I'm sorry, I can't really say that I listen to
the radio much anymore, so I don't think I'll be
of any help to you with this one. To be honest,
I wasn't even aware that they had radio stations
devoted entirely to ham - that must be a new
fad. I guess I would suggest trying a good
old-fashioned scan of the AM band on your radio,
since FM seems so busy these days playing music
for popular teenage girls, talk radio for political
debaters, and militant beer rock. It might be
easiest to do your AM-surfing on a Sunday night
around 9:15 or so. You can hear some off-beat
types of shows around that time, so maybe that's
a good time to target pork product
emthusiasts and their social activities calendars.
It doesn't surprise me that I don't understand
the reasons for your interests, Mr. Woods, since
your movies always leave me baffled as well. I
assume it would help if I related at all to New
York things, so maybe I'll run across a book
on the bargain table one of these days about some
big-city cold cuts clubs you can join. I'll let
you know if I'm ever so beset.
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Dear 13D,
It seems like I've been eating frozen dinners
every evening for a long time now. Do you
have any clever cooking tips for a guy who has
never been very handy in the kitchen?
Bruce Jenner
Hello again Bruce,
I like to consider myself as being something of a
clever bachelor. When I get shirts that are finer
than my usual flannel fare, I stick with cold
temperatures in the wash. When it looks like mold
is about to get a stronghold in the tub, I reach
back in the closet for those real tear-jerking
sprays. And when I get an urge to make something
a little different for supper, I just go to the
cupboard for an inventive ingredient in my
microwave masterpieces. When chili and
macaroni don't seem to have enough substance,
crackers can add a little something that the
well-meaning Mr. Ardee seems to be forgetting. If
my four-minute fish sticks appear to be in danger
of putting me to sleep at the table, then a light
treatment of Folgers crystals and powdered
artificial sweetener can liven up your semi-seafood
in two shakes. And if I ever need to make sure
that my quick-bake lasagna doesn't turn to soup,
I give it a sporting chance by adding handfuls
of Wheaties to the still-bubbling bowl full as its
emerging from the microwave. These tips should
get you through the first few legs of your dining
variety decathlon. It's up to you to search
behind those spam tins for edibles you can endure
in pursuit of the gold. If you come back for more,
maybe you'll read about my exploits with Yoohoo.
Wish me luck!
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Dear 13D,
I've been seeing a really special lady for a few
months now, and I would like to do something nice
for our upcoming 8-month anniversary. Do you
have any tips for a hopeless romantic who
sometimes has trouble expressing himself?
John W. Booth
Jay-dub,
I don't want to come off as being a cynic, but
are you sure you really want to make a big deal
about the 8-month milestone? It seems to me that
you're in danger of committing a mathematically
hazardous celebration faux-pas. I'm sure you
two love birds recognized the achievement of six
months of entanglement - am I right? If so,
you've established the number three as your
calendar factor - that is to say, 3 months, 6
months, a full 12-month year - this is the basis
you are currently on. But if you decide to
denote the eighth month of paying for her movie
tickets, you'll unwittingly introduce the factor
of two into your remembrance datebook. 2 months,
4 months, 8 months, even 10 months, Boothy baby!
What will be expected when the ninth month comes
up a mere four weeks later? Do you really believe
she will understand if you don't want to observe
the third quarter tribute to your smooch affair?
Think again! And when you're finished thinking,
go ahead and just abolish the idea of eighth
month electricity. Stick to the magic number of
three, plan your surprise for 30 days later, and
maybe you can ward off the return of those Friday
nights hanging out in libraries.
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